WAITING IN THE HALLWAY

 

This Lenten season without sugar has forced me to pay attention to my feelings rather than ignore them and eat sugar. Being honest is not an easy thing to do whether it is with other people or yourself. Moving past the surface feelings to go deeper is most difficult.  

I am restless due to wrestling with my fluctuating feelings between chasing where God is leading me and my perceived happiness. Oh the irony because happiness is fleeting. I question why God has led me to my current position and occupation. I was excited at first. I knew without a doubt this is where God wanted me to be. Now, I am searching for answers because it is not where I want to be. Everyday is new and I think to myself that this is the day that I will find the answer. The day ends in disappointment because still no answer.  

It is as if I am stuck in a hallway waiting for doors to open. Doors that lead to opportunities. There are options and other opportunities that are in sight, but nothing solid or concrete for me to be moved from my current position. I am waiting patiently, or rather impatiently, as I am worn out from my searching for answers each day. I know this place in the hallway is not where I am going to stay forever. I question “how long will it be?”  I hear the lies: “I don’t belong” when I feel left out; “it is too hard” when I feel overwhelmed; and “I am doing this alone” when there is no one to help me. I am ready to leave. But I know the lies will follow me. I search for the truth. The truth is not in the answer to “why was I led to this place?” I accept that answer I may never know. The truth lies in how to respond to the feelings and demolish the lies. 

I realize that this wilderness journey has not been just this Lenten season but much longer.  These feelings and these lies have been following me for a long while.  Even if a door in the hallway opens, if I don’t seek the truth then the lies will continue to follow me. I think of Jesus in the wilderness and his first encounter with Satan:

Matthew 4:3 NIV
The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.”

Satan was questioning his identity: “If you are the Son of God.”   Jesus was hungry in his circumstances, Satan tempted him with a lie. “tell these stones to become bread,” as if that would satisfy the hunger.  My feelings are based on circumstances also. Even if my circumstances change, my feelings will not change unless I know the truth: circumstances are not my identity. 

Jesus’ response, Matthew 4:4 NIV:
Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”

Jesus knew that he could turn the stone into bread but it would only be temporary to alleviate the hunger he had. Jesus knew to live a sustaining life was found only in the Word of God.

I can stay stuck in the hallway waiting for circumstances to change to alleviate my feelings or I can wait with purpose in the hallway. In the hallway it does feel empty, lonely, and challenging. But I am a child of God; therefore, I am not alone. I can ask God for help to get past the surface of my feelings to the truth in my circumstances. God’s word and standing on His promises will demolish the lies. 

Matthew 7:7 NIV
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

I am waiting in the hallway asking for help, courage, and strength, seeking truths and promises, and knocking for opportunity. How will this time of waiting in the hallway change knowing my identity? What will I gain by seeking truths and promises? Will there be less restlessness and wrestling with feelings? How will my heart be transformed by seeking God in my waiting rather than lamenting in the hallway looking for a change in circumstance? Will you join me to be still, to find truth, and to be honest in your circumstances? Empty places create space to be still, find the truth, and be honest.